Public Service Announcement

Just because your doctor prescribed it for you, does not necessarily make it safe for your dog.

Contrary to what you might believe, your dog is not a person.

Don't listen to a word I say

Woman: She's been having trouble breathing and she can't sleep because when she lays her head down she can't breath. She doesn't want to go outside or anything.

Me: How long has this been going on?

Her: Three days. I kept waiting for her to, you know, pass away. But since she hasn't I probably ought to do something for her.

(Holy crap! Three days of laboring so hard to breathe that the poor dog can't sleep!)

Me: She's in pretty bad shape. Her gums are very pale (and a little blue). With her age (ancient) and her breed (super stub nosed boston terrier) I'm very worried there's something going on that we won't be able to fix. I think you should consider euthanasia so she does't have to suffer anymore.

Her (gets right in the poor dog's face and baby talks): She's not ready to go yet.

(Yes she is. She's halfway there already)

Me: Then I need to take an x-ray of her chest to see what the problem is and decide the best way to treat it.

Her: She's allergic to steroids

Me: Okay. I'm suspecting that her heart may be the problem and that's not treated with steroids. But we need to take x-rays to find out for sure.

Her: You can't sedate her. The other vet and I agreed that she can't be sedated.

Me: She just has to lay on her side for the x-ray.

Her: She'll get too stressed by that. She's already stressed by the car ride. I thought she might die. The other vet said she can't be sedated.

Me: I don't plan on sedating her for the x-ray. She just has to lay on her side long enough for me to click the button.

She looks at me suspiciously

Me: Or we can try Lasix to pull fluid from her chest. But I don't know for sure if there is fluid without an x-ray.

Her: I guess she needs an x-ray.

*OMG! Listen to what I'm saying! Don't bring in your seriously ill dog and throw out every random road block on why things can't be done! Especially when I already strongly hinted that your dog is suffering and you decline euthanasia. If you won't end their suffering, I WILL require diagnostics in order to treat them to the best of my abilities.*

Sadly, even after an x-ray confirming a poor prognosis, the owner insisted on trying treatment for the little dog's heart failure because She'll hate herself if she doesn't try. No, your dog (and I) will hate you for prolonging your poor pet's suffering. Can you imagine struggling for every breath, feeling like you're drowning the entire time? And you already let this go on for THREE DAYS!

In this profession, we are blessed that we have the option to end suffering when there is nothing more to be done to prolong a decent quality of life. I hate it when people refuse for selfish reasons. When you take on a pet, you have to see to THEIR needs, not your own.

Best Compliment Ever

Yesterday an older gentleman told the receptionist that I "was pretty cute" and he'd "poop on the floor for me, anytime."

I was speechless.

PITA Returns

PITA brought in a litter of six small, stinky, fluffy puppies.

Me: I see ear mites in this ear.

PITA: Which ear?

Me: Right ear, but you need to treat both ears.

PITA: I know. Which other puppy did you see ear mites in?

Me: The second one, but you need to treat both ears on the entire litter and the mom.

PITA: I know, I always do. And which ear was it on that puppy?

Me: Left, but you need to treat both ears on all the puppies and their mom.

PITA: I treat my entire kennel twice a year.

Me: Ear mites only live on the dog. They don't live in the environment. If you are treating everyone like you say, you shouldn't continually be having ear mite problems.

PITA: I treat everyone just like Dr Owner told me to.

Me: Just make sure you treat every ear of this litter and the mom.

PITA: I will, I always do. But you saw mites in the second puppy and the last puppy, right?

Me (sighing): Yes

Dick and Balls

A (male) owner recently asked a friend of mine (another veterinarian) if he could take his dog's testicles home after the dog was neutered. Her answer was no, but the question in everyone's mind was "why does he want his dog's testicles?"

The answer: His uncle Dick's ashes are on his mantle and he and his friends think it would be funny to put his dog's testicles up there and tell everyone he has "Dick and Balls" on his mantel.

I can't make this crap up.

Open letter to the guy who told me I was "letting his cat die over $40"

Dear Guy who told me I was "letting his cat die over $40"

We had a really crappy conversation in the lobby because you did not believe the receptionist that I would not dispense antibiotics for a cat that I have never examined. You were a nice, clean cut looking guy, dressed in your work uniform like you were on you way home or to a late lunch. Our conversation went something like this.

Guy: I need some antibiotics for my cat.

Me: I'm sorry, but I cannot dispense antibiotics for a cat that I have not seen.

Guy: I used to work for a veterinarian. I know what I'm talking about. She just needs antibiotics because she has an upper respiratory infection.

Me: I'm sorry, but it is state law that I cannot send a prescription medication for a pet that I have not examined.

Guy: The vet I used to work for did it all the time. She gave antibiotics to anyone who needed them.

Me: It's illegal to send prescription medications for pets that have not been seen in the past year.

Guy pulls out his phone: Here's a picture of her, now you've seen her.

Me: That's not the way it works.

Guy: I don't have $40 for an exam. I just need the antibiotics.

Me: Is there anyone you can borrow $40 from for the exam?

Guy: So you're going to let my cat die over $40?

Me: You can also contact the local humane society. They sometimes have funds available to help in situations like this.

Guy: I can't believe you're letting my cat die over $40!

He stomped out and attempted to slam the lobby door behind him.

I have several problems with out conversation that I did not feel comfortable discussing with you in your agitated state.

1) I'm not letting your cat die, you are.

2) If you really "know what you're talking about" then you should know that otherwise healthy, adult cats do not die from upper respiratory infections anymore than healthy adult people die from the common cold and 2b) Just like the common cold, most upper respiratory infections in cats are viral. So the antibiotics you want so bad might do a whole lot of nothing to help your cat. - But I can't determine any of this WITHOUT AN EXAM!

3) I don't give a damn what the vet you worked for did. If she was so free with prescription drugs, call her.  I happen to like having a license to practice veterinary medicine and I'm not going to risk it over something stupid, like a $20 antibiotic.

4) I have a hard time believing that you *can't* come up with $40 for an exam. You were dressed in a work uniform - so you have an income. You drove a car to the clinic (we watched you drive away in it) - so you have enough disposable income to put gas in it. I'm pretty sure that was a smart phone that  you flashed your cat's picture on - so you have enough disposable income to cover a cell phone bill.

5) You don't *want* to come up for $40 for an exam because you would rather come into my clinic and use emotional blackmail to get things for FREE. Paying for an exam and actually getting veterinary care for your cat might mean that you would (gasp!) have to go without internet on your phone for a month.

Thank you for your time. Now go take care of your cat.

Looked like an idiot in front of my boss

Early in my veterinary career, I pulled a bottle of Panacur dewormer from a high shelf and, without looking, shook it vigorously. Well, whoever had last opened the bottle had just set the lid on top of the bottle instead of screwing it on firmly.

So when I shook the bottle the lid and a large amount of thick white Panacur splattered over the wall and ceiling.

Of course my boss was standing just outside of splatter range, watching the whole show.

He just said, "Now you know what assuming does."

Looked like an idiot in front of the client

I'm very glad I don't work in a human health care field because I stick myself with needles all the time. When I do it in front of a clients, I usually smile and tell them that I'm well vaccinated while I hide the resulting blood.

I also have a very bad habit of removing syringe caps with my teeth. One day this habit caught up to me.

I was preparing to draw blood from a large dog and my wonderful technician took the syringe cap off for me. You know, trying to be helpful because I didn't have a spare hand to remove it myself. Well, I didn't realize the needle was uncapped and by force of habit, I started to stick it in my mouth. And I stabbed myself in the lip. For those of you that have never stabbed yourself in the lip with a 22g needle, lips punctures bleed profusely. 

Halfway thru drawing the blood, I felt blood running down to drip off my chin.  I tilted my head down and tried to subtly wipe my chin with the back of my hand. As I'm transferring the blood to a shipping tube the dog's owner saw the blood on my hand and started freaking out that her dog was bleeding.

 At that point I had to confess that it was from my lip, not her dog. Talk about looking like an idiot in front of the client. It took 30 minutes to get my damn lip to stop bleeding.

Don't Bite Me

I used to see emergencies after clinic hours by myself. If I had something that I absolutely could not do by myself (like a C-section) I had to scramble around, calling the clinic staff to see who was willing to answer their phone and give up a couple of hours of their free time to help me.

One day, shortly after we closed, a lady brought her chihuahua in for profuse vomiting of 1 hour duration. I start my exam.

Lady: He's really sick. He shouldn't be acting like this. He should be trying to bite you right now.

Me: Oh, okay. (Cause it always makes me feel good when they tell me about biting after I'm touching their dog)

Lady: He bites everyone except me. Come on Buddy! You can do it! You should be biting her right now.

(Now, I feel really great about touching this dog)

Halfway through the exam, Buddy does start trying to bite me.

Lady: Yeah, Buddy! That's how you're supposed to act! Get her! Bite her!

Then, she was pissed because I wouldn't hospitalize Buddy for the night. If he's feeling good enough to bite me, he's feeling good enough to go home. I'm not dealing with the little monster you have created any more than I have too.

I Can't Make Your Decisions

Lady brought in her older cocker spaniel mix. She said the little dog had been unable to keep food or water down for several days. I get a bad feeling just from this information. It's not a good sign as far as owner compliance and/or financial situation that they have done nothing about a dog who has been vomiting profusely for several days. Not to mention that the poor dog is probably pretty sick.

As it turns out, the little dog was VERY sick! Extremely dehydrated, very painful in the abdomen, and she vomited on palpation of the stomach despite not having eaten in close to a week. The poor little dog laid on the exam table without moving anything but her eyes the entire time I was in the room.

I discussed the options with the owner. 1) Bloodwork and hospitalization or 2) Euthanasia. One of these options was going to be fairly expensive, the other, much less so. The owner hems and haws, so I offered to do the bloodwork first and give her a more accurate prognosis than "probably not good."

Her: I'm just not ready to euthanize her yet. I just don't know what to do.

Me: Okay, then you need to let us hospitalize her.

Her: I don't want to spend that much money on her. After all, she's an old dog.

Me: I will not send her home like this. She will just die a slow painful death at home and that is not fair to her...But I can go ahead and run bloodwork to get a better idea of what her long term prognosis is.

Her: How much does that cost?

Me: $120

Her: I don't really want to spend that much money on her. I just don't know what to do.

Me: Is there someone you can call to help you make this decision?

Her: My husband is at work. I just don't know what to do.

Me: I'm going to give you a few minutes to think things over.

--I step out of the exam room for 5 minutes before going back in--

Me: Are there any questions you would like to ask?

Her: I just don't know what to do.

Me: How about we run the bloodwork so we have more information?

Her: I don't really want to spend that much money on her.

Me: Your options are euthanasia or bloodwork. Which would you like to do?

Her: I'm just not ready to euthanize her.

Me: Then I guess we're running the bloodwork.

The poor little dog had severe pancreatitis and suspected kidney failure. She had 2 normal values on her entire blood panel. Her prognosis for long term survival was poor. The owner eventually (finally!) decided to euthanize her and end her suffering.

Her: Can I take her home for a couple of days to say goodbye?

Me: A couple of days? (I'm trying to keep my jaw from hitting the floor) No. She is terribly sick and miserable. It is not fair to her to prolong her life like this. You can take her home for the rest of they day and bring her back right before we close.

This poor little dog had already been living like this for several days and she wasn't going to feel any better without hospitalization, IV fluids and pain management. It was inhumane to continue prolonging this little dogs life without intensive care. I understand that I was offering the owner two crappy choices, but sometimes I want to look at people and be like, this is YOUR dog but sometimes you have to do what is in YOUR PET'S best interest, not yours.

You Need New Priorities

You bring your cat to me for not feeling good and not acting right. I examine your cat and the only problem I find are the 10,000 fleas living on your cat. This explains why your cat isn't feeling good. You wouldn't feel good either if you had 10,000 fleas drinking your blood.

You inform me that you can't get rid of the fleas.

I launch into my flea discussion (treat house, treat yard, flea preventative for everyone!).

You inform me that you have done all that, but can't afford to keep flea preventative on your four cats.

I understand the flea preventatives for cats are not cheap. But holy cow! These fleas are living in your house!

We go 'round and 'round about the fleas and you leave with 1 dose of flea preventative for this cat because "that's all you can afford," 1 dose that won't do shit because your other three cats will still be breeding fleas.

Then, I watch you pull out of the parking lot in your two-year-old Mercedes SUV.

Intro to PITA, Part 2

PITA has finally made it into the exam room with 7 dogs.

She pulls Rocky from the smallest carrier. The entire room stinks like week old pig feces (as usual when PITA brings dogs in). As I look Rocky over, she tells me how Rocky is flying to a new home in Arizona to be a show dog and she's kept him until he's a year old to make sure he turns out good and so on. When I get to the back half of Rocky, she asks me to check his knees, (just like she does with every. single. exam.)

Me: Grade 1 patella luxation, left side
(congenital, inheritable condition where kneecap pops out of place)

PITA: He can't have a patella luxation!

Me: He has a Grade 1.

PITA, staring at me in horror: He can't have a patella luxation! He's going to a show home! They can't show him if he has a patella luxation!

Me: I'm sorry, but he has a Grade 1 luxation.

PITA: What am I going to do! I can't send him a dog with a patella luxation! And he's been waiting for this dog for almost a year!

She stares at me like I'm going to wave my magic wand and say there is no longer a patella luxation.

Me: Sorry.

She stares at me some more before finally putting Rocky away and pulling out the first puppy.

PITA: They just had baths today, but someone must have pooped on the way over.

(She says this every. single. time. And every single time, there is no visible poop on them, but they stink to high heaven. Her puppies smell so bad, the clinic stinks for hours after she leaves)

Me: What are the puppies birth dates?

(If they are 12 weeks old or older, they need to be rabies vaccinated to travel)

PITA: Oh, I don't have their birth dates with me. I don't remember exactly when they were born. I would call my niece, but I think she's in an appointment. They should all be 11 weeks old.

Me: Both litters are 11 weeks?

PITA: Oh, yes. They were born a few days apart.

(I ask for the puppies birth date every. single. time. And she never remembers to bring it with her. And she always says the puppies are always 11 weeks old.)

I examine all 6 puppies, she dictates which papers will go with which puppies. I write brief notes, but thankfully all the puppies look good (other than ear mites, but thats another story).

I spend the next fifteen minutes filling out and signing all her paperwork. It totaled to four official health certificates and three exam certificates (we usually refer to it as the "white paper." It's some pain in the ass paper her airline requires for shipping puppies). After PITA leaves, the receptionist comes back and tells me that PITA was writing on the certificates before she even left the lobby.

*FACEPALM*

It has been explained to PITA multiple times that she cannot alter official papers after they have been signed by a doctor. But it's like she can't help herself. She's even been caught altering drug prescriptions. You'd think she would learn. Or that my boss would pull her head out her ass and quit insisting that we cater to her.

Introduction to PITA

A dog breeder (a former client, thank God!) is the first person who comes to my mind when I think about those extra special clients. She had some good attributes. She wasn't overtly combative and she had good genetic quality dogs (under the stank). She was just the biggest pain in the ass I've ever had to deal with week after week and year after year. I'll call her PITA. She breeds a variety of small multi colored fluffy dogs (point in her favor - they were all AKC breeds, no yorki-poos or malti-poms) and had personally shown a small number of them to their Champion title (which blows my mind).

I have just walked into the clinic, haven't even set down my purse yet, and my technician comes running.

Tech: Guess who's on the schedule today!

Me: Oh, God. It's PITA, isn't it.

Tech: Yep. Says she's only bringing 4 puppies today, so she's booked into a 20 minute slot. Wanna make a bet on how many puppies she'll actually show up with? Tech2 says 6. I'm betting on 8.

Me: I'm gonna kill whoever booked her into 20 minutes, 'cause I'm with you. She'll bring 8.


*5 minutes after PITA's scheduled appointment time*

Me: She's late again!

Tech: Haven't you figured it out yet? She thinks 10 minutes late qualifies as on time.

Me: And someone only scheduled 20 minutes for her appointment. I bet she doesn't even make it into an exam room by the end of her slot.


*5 minutes later*

Receptionist: Which dogs did you bring today?

PITA: I have 4 puppies, Rocky, and 2 puppies from another litter.

R: Have we seen any of these dogs before?

PITA: Rocky. He needs a health certificate, but he doesn't need a Rabies shot because he had that last year.

R: What do the puppies need?

PITA: 2 need health certificates, 3 need exam certificates and the rest just need regular exams.

*5 minute conversation where receptionist tries to figure out which puppies need what. The answers continually change on who needs what and how many need each certificate. Receptionist eventually gives up.*

R: Do you have the Rabies tag or certificate for Rocky?

PITA: No. You should have record of it. It was done here.

R: When was it done?

PITA: Last year

R: Can you be more specific?

PITA: Fall, I think.

*1 minute of silence while receptionist scans through the records of the many dozens of dogs PITA brought in last year*

R: I can't find where we saw a Rocky anytime last year.

PITA: It was done here. I know it!

R: Let me look again.

*Another minute of silence*

R: No Rocky.

PITA: Oh, I know! I was calling him Chocolate last year. Try that name.

*Another minute of silence while receptionist looks over records a third time*

R: I don't see a Chocolate either.

PITA: I know he's already had a Rabies shot. Hmm. Try Peppy. I called him Peppy too.

*Another minute of silence*

R: Peppy had a Rabies vaccination last April.

PITA: There, I knew he'd had one.


PITA enters the exam room with 1 minute of her appointment time left, 7 dogs to be examined and an unknown amount of paperwork to be filled out.

To be continued...

Facepalm

Little fluffy white dog came in with her owner on a Monday. Fluffy was dancing all over the exam table.

Me: What's going on with Fluffy today?

Obnoxious Owner: She hurt her leg Saturday. It was really bad so I gave her Advil.

Me: Please do not do that again. Advil is toxic to dogs.

OO: You were closed and she was in pain.

Me: Do not give Tylenol, Advil or Aleve to dogs. It can cause liver or kidney failure.

OO: Well, I couldn't just let her be in pain, could I?

*Facepalm* The clinic has an emergency number where a veterinarian can be reached 24/7 as well as an emergency clinic nearby if Fluffy was really in that much pain.  Hell, even a simple internet search will tell you those are toxic to dogs. Instead, she would rather risk organ failure.

Pet Peeves

Do not send your friend (or husband, or child, or parent, or whoever) to the veterinarian with your sick dog and have them tell us that you have been treating the problem with an unknown medication, from an unknown source, at an unknown frequency, for an unknown length of time. This is NOT HELPFUL!

Bonus points are awarded to the ones who call back later the same day complaining that we sent the friend (or whoever) home with the same stuff they had already been using.

You would have wasted less of our time (and your's and your friend's) if you had just written down what you had been doing at home that wasn't working.

The only entertaining thing about this situation is taking bets on where the owner acquired the prescription medication they had been using. Popular answers include, but are not limited to,

1) It was prescribed for this pet greater than 3 years ago.

2) It was prescribed for another pet in the household for a different problem

3) It was prescribed for the owner by their doctor

4) It was prescribed for a friend or relative's dog by another veterinarian for a similar problem

5) It was prescribed for a (human) relative

6) It was prescribed for a friend's second cousin's dog a couple years ago (true story)

Too Many Choices

A very nice younger couple brought their dog in for a routine exam. Jack was an awesome young, bouncy Jack Russell terrier with a mild skin infection. I discussed antibiotics for his skin infection as well as getting him started on flea preventative and heartworm preventative.

Me: Would you prefer a liquid antibiotic or tablets for Jack?

The couple looks at each other uncertainly

Me: The liquid would be put directly in his mouth or the tablet can be hidden in food if he's not a picky eater.

The look at each other again. Her: I guess we'll do the tablet. He's not a picky eater.

Me: Now, for the flea and heartworm preventative. Would you prefer a topical liquid or tablet?

Her: You're giving me too many choices!

Me: Okaay, I'll send you with the tablet.

Resurrection is Possible

Mrs. Lump brought her small brown mixed breed dog, Buddy into the clinic. Mrs. Lump had a serious allegation involving Buddy. She stated that the vaccination given to him two weeks before had caused a lump. And she wanted surgery performed for free to remove the lump.

When I checked the lump there were two problems with Mrs. Lump's story. 1) The lump was a skin tag. Vaccines don't cause skin tags. 2) It was on the wrong side. Buddy's vaccination had been given on the right and the skin tag was on the left.

Mrs. Lump did not take the explanation well and continued to demand free surgery, even though the skin tag was the size of my pinky fingernail and did not even need to be removed. Mrs. Lump and I did not part on good terms.

Several days later, Mrs. Lump called, crying. She told the office manager that Buddy had been attacked and killed the night before by a Rottweiler. The office manager was quite sympathetic (despite how Mrs. Lump had treated everyone a few days before) because she knew how traumatic it was to have a pet die suddenly. The office manager put Mrs. Lump on the list to have a sympathy card sent and marked Buddy's record that he was now deceased.

Less than three minutes later a receptionist from Dr. Close's clinic calls.

Dr. Close's Receptionist: Hi, I just need to know if it's okay to refill heartworm preventative for Buddy Lump.

Office Manager: I'm sorry. Who is it for?

DCR: Buddy Lump. The owner says he was just seen at your clinic earlier this week.

OM: Can I verify the owner's name, address and phone number?

*All information matches Mrs. Lump*

OM: Are you sure this pet is alive? Because Mrs. Lump just called us a few minutes ago and told us Buddy had been killed by another dog last night.

DCR (uncertainly): Umm. Mr. Lump and Buddy are standing in our lobby right now.

OM: Okay. I'll fax all of Buddy's records to your clinic. Good luck.

The office manager crossed Buddy off the sympathy card list with a note that he had been resurrected.


*In real life this happened at a friend's clinic*

Pet Peeves

Do not arrive at the clinic 30 minutes early and expect to be seen early. We have a fully booked schedule and you will be seen when you are scheduled to be seen.

Do not come up to the reception desk at your appointment time asking how much longer it's going  to be because you've been waiting a long time.

It's not our fault you showed up crazy early.

Don't Believe the Owner: Part 3

And sometimes the owner is right.

Just last month an older lady brought her small fluffy white dog in for having skin trouble.

Older Lady: It's been there about two weeks. I've been putting cream on it. My doctor gave me the cream so I know it's okay.

Me: What kind of cream?

OL: Hydrocortisone or something. But it hasn't made that spot go away.

I parted the fur on her fluffy dog and saw a medium sized crusty area.

Me: Looks like a hot spot.

OL: It's not a hot spot. My other dog has those and this is nothing like it.

Me: Okaayy. Let me shave it and see what's going on under all the hair.

I take the dog out of the room to my technician.  We were laughing a bit about how convinced the woman was that it wasn't a hot spot.

Me: This is so a hot spot.

Tech: Looks like a hot spot to me.

After 30 seconds of hair clipping. I had to eat my words. And they didn't taste good.

It was NOT a hot spot. It was something super strange looking. Started the little fluffy dog on typical first line skin meds with instructions to expect a skin biopsy if there was no improvement. However, I have not heard an update recently, so I hope everything is going well.

Don't Believe the Owner, Part 2

The Fourth of July was my very first weekend on call as a brand spanking new veterinarian. I had a guy call first thing in the morning on Sunday.

Me: Hi this is DocMac.

Guy: My dog's acting kind of lethargic and I'd like you to look at him if you have time.

Me: How long has he been lethargic?

Guy: He seemed okay yesterday. We had a party and he ate a bunch of hotdogs.

(Alarm bells started going off in my brain. Bunches of people food, especially things like hotdogs can cause pancreatitis)

Me: Has he had any vomiting or diarrhea?

Guy: I don't know. He's an outside dog. He runs in the yard and plays in his pool. I found him in the pool this morning.

(And now I'm worried about heat stroke)

Me: I'll meet you at the clinic.

Oh my God! My first emergency!

Guy brings in a middle aged labrador and the poor thing is half dead. He can barely raise his head, his gums are white and his heart rate is slow. I'm like, holy crap! All the guy said over the phone was his dog was a little lethargic!

Sadly, this dog died about 15 minutes after presentation, I believe it was heat stroke. The previous day had been in the upper 80's with high humidity. The party had probably made him more active than usual and he pushed past his limits.

What I can't get over his how calm this man sounded the entire time. Even looking back with the wisdom of experience, this guy must have had ice water in his veins. I'll admit that I was freaking out a little bit through the process of trying to save this dog. It was my first emergency on my own and I had only been  graduated from vet school for four weeks.

Don't Believe the Owner, Part 1

Being on call for emergencies is usually a pain in the ass. Nine times out of ten, it's not a real emergency and could totally wait until the next day. But sometimes it's hard to determine what's a real emergency and what can really wait until the next day because all I have to go on is the owner's description. Sometimes it's accurate. Often it's not.

Phone call on emergency. The woman on the phone is frantic. Says her german shorthair pointer is bloating. Bloat is an extremely dire emergency that often needs immediate surgery.

Frantic Woman: He's bloating, he's bloating. I've got to get him in!

Me: What exactly is he doing right now.

FW: He's laying there painting. He's breathing hard!

Me: Has he vomited?

FW: He's bloating! His stomach is big!

Me: Has he tried to vomit?

FW: No, he'd feel better if he did!

Me: How long has he not been himself?

FW: Since my stupid brother fed him! I've got to get him in!

Me: If he's bloating you need to take him to the emergency practice in (large city about 45 min away). I don't have the staff and supplies to do the surgery that he might need.

FW: He's bloating, I've got to get him in!

Me: You need to take him to the emergency practice because if he IS bloating, I'm just going to send you there and that will have wasted time that he doesn't have. Go to the emergency clinic!

FW: He's bloating, I've got to get him in!

Me: Fine, bring him in.

I meet them at the clinic. The dog jumps out of her car and bounds into the clinic. Dogs that are bloating have a hugely distended abdomens and are usually retching, drooling and in serious distress. This dog was so not bloating. He was acting completely normal. A thorough exam and bloodwork turned up absolutely nothing. Turns out the woman's brother had fed the dog twice his normal amount of food and she had panicked.

At this point she asks me if we can get her dog's vaccinations up to date since she hasn't had him in in a while. Hell no, I'm not giving your dog vaccinations during an emergency visit! That is not what I'm on call for! You can schedule yourself an appointment during regular business hours for that, Mrs. Lazy Crazy.

Two Kittens, Sketchy Information

The other day a friendly older lady brought two new kittens in for checkups. The receptionist went through the usual questions.

Receptionist: Are they boys or girls?

Lady with Kittens: I don't know. I'm hoping for girls

R: Okay. How old are they?

LwK: I don't know. The guy at the barn said they were born a couple days apart.

R: Okay. Did he deworm or vaccinate them?

LwK: I don't know. He didn't say anything.

At this point they come to my exam room so I could figure out the answers to all these basic questions. They were two cute, healthy looking girls, both about 9 weeks old. I vaccinated and dewormed them and gave LwK the usual go home instructions (feed kitten food, booster vaccinations in 3-4 weeks, give next dose of dewormer in two weeks, etc.)

LwK: Can I use clumping cat litter?

Me: Um. Yeah, that's fine.

LwK: Good because I didn't want to use the clay stuff.

Me: *Perplexed frown*

LwK: The guy at the barn said clumping cat litter kills cats.

Me (trying to keep my mouth from hanging open): I have never heard of that.

LwK: Yeah, he said they eat it and it clumps up their insides.

Me: I have never heard of a cat eating cat litter, so I think you're safe.

That was a new one for me. Guy at the barn didn't know gender, age, doesn't say anything about care of kittens except that clumping cat litter kills cats. Seriously. I'm just glad LwK had enough sense to question that kind of advice!

My Crazy Life: Louie

Welcome to my crazy life. I'm a veterinarian. I also have a husband, two year old daughter, three dogs and three cats, although the exact number of dogs and cats varies day to day.

The newest addition to the household is Louie, a nine month old Pit Bull.

Louie came into the clinic as a drop off. History was hit by car yesterday. I'm like really, HBC yesterday? Either he's not very bad off or the owner has no $$. Louie walked back to the treatment area on three legs, wagging his tail and licking everyone he passed. The owner had authorized x-rays (thank God!). Too bad that Murphy's law of veterinarians states that nice young dogs have to have bad things. I was hoping for a pelvic fracture that would heal with cage rest. But no, this is what I found instead.

That is a proximal femoral fracture that requires surgery to the tune of ~$3,000. Talked it over with the  owner. Owner tried to get financing, but was not able to.

Next option: leg amputation. It would keep Louie from living with a painful, non-healing fracture. Dogs are born with three legs and a spare, after all.

Owner was unable to afford the several hundred dollar cost of leg amputation. I could hear in his voice that he knew where this conversation was going. We couldn't let Louie live with that amount of pain for the rest of his life.

This is where people start hating on veterinarians. Why don't you just do it an let him pay later? Or make payments? Or just do the surgery for free? Don't you love animals?

I've let people make payment arrangements before. It doesn't work. 95% of them are never seen again and we never see a dime in payment from them. Another 4.9% now believe that they can charge anything they need and end up increasing the amount they owe faster than they are paying on it. And every once in a while, a rare person actually pays off their bill in a reasonable amount of time.

I'll clue everyone in on another fact. Veterinary clinics are SMALL BUSINESSES! We have to bring in enough $$ to keep the staff paid, the lights on and pay for supplies. Payment plans do not do this! Neither does doing expensive surgeries for free!

You can walk into an ER and get treated for free because Medicaid (aka the government with our tax dollars) picks up the bill. Medicaid does not pick up the bill for your pet to be treated for free. Too many unpaid bills = vet clinic out of business.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Anyway, I hate it when men cry. The owner didn't break down or anything, but I could hear the tears in his voice. And sometimes I'm a sucker. Certain dogs and cats just tug at my heartstrings. The owner ended up signing Louie over to the clinic and I took Louie home with me. A veterinarian friend of mine placed a pin and wires (not the ideal treatment, but I don't do any orthopedic surgery and I draw the line at $3000 surgeries on rescue dogs).

Now we cross our fingers and pray it works. If it doesn't, well, dogs are born with three legs and a spare. :-)